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| time for recognition.
i don't want you to talk to me that way. you are clueless. you will never know what bothers me. and i can never tell you.
i don't want to hear you say it's going to be okay. you don't know what is not okay to begin with. what you think is fine is not fine anymore. hasn't been so for sometime. it all started out as a joke. you planted a seed. now it's grown. but you're not willing to water anymore. it's all silly
if i tell you what's been happening, will you even do anything about it? the question keeps circulating. it never gets out.
all the balance is gone. or has changed. i know i used to like the air and time. why can't i say the same still? it usually seems most true when i want to deny badly. this was not scripted. the direction is all wrong. i just want to rip this up and throw into the air. we can always start all over, can't we? as if nothing has ever happened.
then i come back to the reality. the distant, the time, the temperature, and the feeling. the wheels are not turning. not in the same way. now, it's my turn to end this. i will not let you call me what i am not.
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| my mother and her friend published a book on their own last month. they have been working on this project for a quite sometime.
the other day, she sent me a package including her book. my brother, who is a graphic designer, designed the cover and did the layout inside. i was very impressed with their work. writing is not my mother's occupation. she has never done any editing or book-related work. yet, she and her friend put this together. and my brother... i knew he was a professional graphic designer, but i hadn't really seen his work. when i saw the book for the first time, i realized he was a "professional" for the reason.
i am not going to talk about the content of the book in detail. it's about the voices of people related to education. it has a lot to do with Japanese educational scene and its ongoing situation. if you're not very familiar with it, it's kind of hard to fill you in. i always viewed my mother as a wonderful person. she's very caring, and patient. one of the most accepting people i know. however, i never really imagined she would ever step out from her world and do something like this. i can't really express how much i admire her for doing this. knowing how she has been in many situations, i am really glad and impressed that she did not keep herself in just our house.
the book has gained attention from the local newspaper. in the paper, she's holding the book with her friend (co-editor). she's getting calls from people who wish to purchase the book since the paper was out. she's happy to learn that people care about what she has been putting her heart into. as she shared this news with me, i could see her genuine excitement. i'm so so proud of her.
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| i just got a year older. something i have done so many times in my life: getting a year old. it's weird to know and recognize i'm old as i am now.
growing up, i somehow thought i would forever be a kid. the world of adult was far away from the world i lived in so they did not seem to connect. i thought i would go to school with my classmates forever. friends back then were friends forever for 10-year-old miwa. that little corner surrounded by a couple trees was a perfect hideout for us. it was our world. it was all we needed.
looking back, i know how little i knew about myself and life ahead of me. i've lost touch with all friends but one. i have heard some of them are already married and probably have kids. i never even dreamed of the life i have now here, let alone my value. i've even made choices that 10-year-old would never allow herself to.
do i like my life? yes i do. i feel like i took a long detour to get where i am now. in a sense, a part of me is going back to where i originally was, and that made me very relieved too. granted, where i am is only one step of many many steps ahead, but i like the process. i like the path i'm choosing to walk.
more so than not, what i am now could never be established without all the poeple who were and are in my life. i am grateful for all the encounters and departures. even those who hurt me in some ways, i could not learn the pain without the tough time i had with you all. it is the pain that helps me care about others. and those who always do good for me, i could never learn to trust without the love you all shared with me. it is the trust that keeps me from feeling alone no matter how far away i am from ones i love.
10 years ago, i think i hoped to be further than where i am at this moment of my life. that i am a little dissapointed, but that's why i have even larger responsibility for my life and all who have been in my life. though i am not completely pleased with all i am, i know i have always been fortunate. it was nothing but myself that i'm dissapointed at. i know i would make a biggest fool of myself if i feel the same way i do now in 10 years from now. i have been going left and right, back and forth, but now i have to stick with my direction and make each step firmly to set myself forward.
in addition to my obvious goals (*obvious to me, at least), i think i would like to set my mind in a little different direction. it's like turning my head to the direction i have not really tried to see. i am well aware i am very closed person beyond certain level. i have many gates in me, and some of them are really hard to open if not never. i have been trying to open them up, but i know i haven't much. so it's a good time to set that as one of my objectives and work toward it (more actively). i know how much it means to me when people choose to open up with me. i wanna be able to do the same to them. i already have very high level of trust and am relying on them probaly more than they know. it's just me who always try to stand by myself. i've been like this as young as i can remember, and am trying to change it for as long as i can too. i need to make that happen, especially for the sake of miwa 10 years from now.
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| Life has been good. It's getting more stable in a mental sense, and that's really what I need.
For sometime, I was going over some ideas and matters. Although they are still on my mind, I think they have found the place to sit down so it's not that much of a big deal any more. I was foreseeing as well as hoping this to happen eventually. In a way, I may have just forced it to happen, but it does not matter to me at least right now. The important thing is that they have become less influential to my decisions and actions.
Whenever I feel that I am ready, I believe I will be given the chance to deal with them again. The thought that the day will never come is a bit unsettling, but I just have to believe it will.
I know I am not perfect. My decisions will involve a lot of flaws, but I cannot afford to doubt myself constantly. Life is too valuable to waste away. If I set my mind, I will be faithful.
On a different note,
I had a few interesting nights lately. One involves a drunk dial that lasted for 2 hours. Now that I think about it, I don't think the drunk dial should last for more than 20 minutes. I was clearly not thinking logically for staying on the phone for that long. The content of the conversation was profound at times and also gracious. Too bad it was not a sober dial. Nonetheless, it was a good time.
Another one involves an opening question "what do you think about having a family?" It may not have got my attention if it wasn't coming from a guy I just met. I always appreciate people's openness, but after that night, I must say that certain things should be introduced gradually. Though I had a good time, the whole night left me an unique impression that I can't really describe.
But life is good. That's what matters.
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| the definition of the word can not always define the state of one self or the situation. things in this world like to have more dimensions than the dictionary can identify. what is more, when people choose the words to paint their view to the other, it gets filtered by both speaker's and listener's experience and values. this makes it impossible for two different people to completely understand each other.
but that is not what's important. important thing is the effort to understand each other.
making sure that your expectation is successfully communicated with others is vital. if that is not being done, you are more likely to face the dissatisfaction.
i can't not complain about something that never happens. i can't blame anyone for what they don't know. all i need is to let know, but i know too well to be so simple.
i wonder what i can expect. when i give someone a definition, what do i expect from them and how should i let them know? definition does not define the relation.
sooner or later, there will be a time that i will have to let go of what i'm holding onto. i need to make myself ready. | | |
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